The other reason tt I used to blog frequently was tt it appealed to my need for attention... Sometimes it's hard to really pour out my feelings in front of my friends & I would rather they find out how I'm feeling thru this medium... However, most of the ppl in [The Gang] has since got over the allure of blogging in pursuit of more instant gratification... So while tt kinda discouraged me a little in blogging (I mean, if no one bothers abt this, then it's as good as keeping a physical diary & I'm never a diary kinda person), there're still instances when I actually wanna unload just to the interwebz... I guess a small part of me hoped tt if I were to write everything down, my thought would be more coherent & as a result of tt, I would be able to see things in a better perspective, get enlightened...
As much as I hate writing reports & stuff, I can actually get really long winded when I get carried away, which I kinda foresee will happen in this entry...
I've never actually given up [MapleStory]... There were a few periods of time tt I actually grew bored with it & took a hiatus from it, but when new content came out or when I'm sufficiently deprived of games, I'll always go back to this game... Well, this is no surprise considering tt I'm never a huge fan of change...
This was when [XP]'s still playing the game like half a yr back... The monster transformation pots are totally useless, but in the name of fun... Well, can't blame us for trying it & taking some SS, right??? Haha...
O-k-a-y, the actual [Green Mushrooms] tt you see roaming around [Maple World] doesn't have the du lan kinda look, so IDK why the transformation pot makes tt kinda face... LOL...
I was truly amazed by this dragon... In this case, you'll get transformed into a [Dragon] & you can fly yourself to the [Temple Of Time]... A training area tt's totally not suitable for my lv... Nonetheless, it was exciting to discover new stuff like every now & then, rather than grind & lv what what most players do...
I'm just showing off tt I was able to complete the entire outfit tt can only be obtained during [Maple]'s 7th anniversary event tt's still ongoing... The eq set has a lv req of 70 & the stat bonuses is already wayyyyyy better than the normal eqs tt I was using tt has a lv req of 90... Okay, tt's not surprising consigering tt the former is some limited time only items...Tt's my short snippet of what I've been up to recently, apart from drooling over [Ian Somerhalder] from [TVD] every night... Yep, tt's my new routine for the hols: Work, [TVD], [Maple]... Extremely effective in keeping me preoccupied... & once I'm done with [TVD], I'm just gonna replace it with [Gintama]... *Grins* ^_^
Okay, I guess I should stop stalling & get to the content proper...
I recently completed the movie [Prayers For Bobby] & read the novel of the same title & I've been doing quite a bit of thinking ever since... Trust me, apart from doing internal debates with myself as to whether I should buy a particular piece clothing, I've never really been brooding over any other issues for this long, ever...
It's actually an account of the mother of a gay son, how she came to accept her son's sexuality a few yrs after his suicide, starting from her questioning the [Christianity] doctrine up to the time where she became an activist for gay rights... The book also gave an insight to [Bobby]'s life from his diary... The movie made me wept several times as certain scenes were seriously touching... One of them was @ the ending:
Naturally, the movie deviated slightly from the novel, but tt's not really impt... What's impt was tt the novel really provided an insight to [Bobby]'s struggle by printing excerpts from his diary... This was something tt the movie couldn't portray & what [Bobby] wrote to a certain extent, mirrors my own struggles...
@ the end of the day, it all boils down to 1 thing... Not finding someone to settle down with (I'm too introverted to be capable of tt)... Possibly more sex (I'm a guy after all)... But rather, just to feel accepted & tt I belong...
It is really placing a strain on myself tt I've to pretend or erect a facade as to who I truly am... Among family members as well as new acquaintances... I'm longing for the day when I can be open abt my desires & not feel like some freak... I did experienced tt kinda feeling on a few occasions, by participating in some [Oogachaga] events and boy were those experiences liberating... For those few hrs, not only could I talk abt issues tt've been bugging me, but I could be understood... The later is something which I doubt my straight friends, no matter how open they are, will be able to understand or relate...
Another thing abt not hiding who I truly am is tt I wouldn't have to lie to my family when I attend those [OC] events... This is another thing tt's been troubling me for a while already... Currently, I feel tt it's inevitable tt I've to constantly spin web of lies to cover my tracks when I'm attending those [OC] events & this makes me feel like I'm doing something dodgy, like I'm committing a crime or something... I feel bad abt constantly telling them the untruths & worse, I'm afraid tt they might one day discover tt I've been deceiving them before I'm ready to come out to them... Of course, by coming out to them, I've to also admit tt I've been deceiving them & tt's like a double whammy...
I know I've managed to survive keeping this side of myself a secret for a while now, but I've no idea if I can still do this when I've finally opened up myself a little to socialise & to attempt to know more gay men... Or actually try to muster up sufficient courage to chat a guy up... It seems like my time in uni is like the best time to know more ppl & yet, being in the closet is kinda keeping me back from doing so...
I'm kinda confused & I can feel the pressure building up within me to come out... Yet I need to stay logical & play my cards right to minimize the potential dmges...
*Sigh* Urgh... My homosexuality is beginning to overshadow the other parts of me... & it seems like this entry didn't really help clear my head... Will it really get better??? o_O
